methamphetamine

Let me start off by stating the obvious, no one dreams of being a drug addict as a kid. We didn't sit in front of our mirrors and say to ourselves; "you know, i'd really fucking love to grow up and do meth." IT IS A DISEASE, a disease that takes over your entire life. I will never not be an addict, i struggle every single day with the battles of being an addict. When i was 18, i had a good thing going for me. I was working in a large corporation and i was making pretty good money for being so young. At that time, i was in a relationship with another drug addict. I wasn't fully aware of my own addiction till later, so it was a struggle for me at first. But, in that relationship i learned a lot about how to live with an addict. But i didn't fully understand the life of an actual active addict. Long story short, my relationship did not last long, well it lasted 2 years but looking back it doesn't seem like it. By this time i had my own apartment and i had just bought a new car and sold my last one (big mistake). I left my boyfriend, and i was lonely, i wasn't used to sleeping alone or even being alone and i was vulnerable. Which, gave people the opportunity to very easily use me. I remember my first time doing meth, now, let me just tell you how fucked up the people i surrounded myself with were... i was under the impression that i was doing cocaine (which isn't much better anyway) BUT STILL, i was being lied to. I didn't understand why i was so much different, I stayed up for days, couldn't eat or sleep and the people around me were snoozing away and eating like pigs. Little did i know, they had been using for a long time so they were used to it. I quickly lost my job, and therefore couldn't pay my rent or pay my car payment. I was able to find a shitty little trailer home in nampa where i lived for a few months and where, shit got way worse. I had been using for about 5 months at this point and my friend and I were using dating websites to talk guys into sending me hundreds of dollars over the internet (it sounds easy but i DO NOT recommend it). Then, i lost that too. Everything was shit. People had told me that i was using meth but i was such a trusting person i believed that i wasn't being lied to by someone who was supposed to be my "best friend". Then, i started to hang out with our drug dealer and clearly i found out the truth very quickly. At this point i no longer lived with my "best friend". Since i was a codependent person and i couldn't be alone, i went back to live with my ex. I didn't love him, but i knew he'd always take me back no matter what. I stopped using, but only for a short time. The relationship got even worse and again, i left. This time i had NOWHERE to go but truly, i didn't care because i was just so happy to be away from that relationship. I moved in with another friend, and quickly i was back to using. This time was different because i knew exactly what i was doing. But, i didn't give a shit. I lost multiple jobs over this time span because i was not a very good crack head. I didn't eat, didn't sleep, didn't drink water, basically i took extremely shit care of myself. I couldn't stay with my friend forever, so i moved into my current best friends house. He, like my ex was also a recovering drug addict, but i thought i could hide it well enough. Our relationship slowly deteriorated which broke my heart because he was and still is the light of my life. I'm ashamed to say that i got him back into using as well. I guess i didn't want to struggle alone, so i dragged him down with me. Not fair, i know. We fought, a lot. And at this time, i had started to develop another relationship with someone i had known for a very long time, who, was also a drug addict. But, his drug of choice was heroin. He did meth as well, but mostly everyone worried about his addiction to heroin. So, i moved, AGAIN, a lot of fucking moving i know. But this time i moved out of Boise to help him get off of heroin. Now, i'm not going to go into the details on this person mainly because i still care dearly for this person and putting the details online would lead to some issues, so ill just keep it short and sweet by saying that my addiction got way worse while i was away. I was gone for about 4 months. I weighed 155 pounds, which for me is small (i average about 170). I thought no one knew, i thought i was keeping it a secret really really well, but, everyone knew. I mean i looked like shit. Things didn't go very well in my relationship and i ended up moving once again. This time i came back completely broken. I remember my actual words being "i will NEVER stop using meth". But, being around the people who love me and care about me, and seeing them so worried really made me think for a second and, the second day i was back in boise i had checked myself into rehab. Clean date, August 4th, 2017. I've been sober ever since, and although life isn't the best, it is better, much better. I moved to middleton after rehab, where i was away from everyone and everything. I lived with my brother and his girlfriend and they changed my entire life. Ever since i moved out of my moms at 17, i haven't been much of a family person, as a matter a fact i can probably count the times I've seen my family in the last 3 years on two hands. Not many drug addicts like to be around their family when they are using. But, i had developed an amazing relationship with my older brother. My work ethic changed, my outlook on friendships and life in general changed. And i felt at home. But, unfortunately, i couldn't stay there forever. But seriously, i would have. I was living with my two best friends in the whole wide world and everyday was pretty fucking good for me. But, my best friend (the one who i had previously lived with before i moved out of boise) had gone to rehab and was wanting to start a new friendship with me as recovering addicts. So again, i moved back to Boise and back in with my best friend, i'm gonna talk about him a lot so lets just call him T. Luckily, i never caught any charges or got into any legal issues during my use, but he was not so lucky. In the last few months hes been in and out of jail dealing with the charges he got before he got clean. Being his best friend, it sucks really bad to watch someone that you know has changed so much, be treated like just some trash addict. But, that's the karma that comes with these kind of behaviors. I've been sober now for 5 months and 8 days. Although i wish life was perfect, i have a lot of broken bridges i have to fix and a lot of issues i now deal with day to day. In my blog, i will talk about these issues i still deal with and there will be a lot of content that can relate with other drug addicts. I encourage others to share on here too, i really REALLY want my blog to be a safe place for other addicts to talk about what they are going through. So, if you know someone or you are struggling, follow my blog and hopefully you can find a safe place here.