So, like I stated in my introduction, I am diagnosed with type 2 bipolar disorder, anxiety, and depression. This is another topic that i hope others can relate to because i know for me, it's been hard to find others who feel the way i feel and struggle with similar things that i struggle with. I will briefly go over my experience and just like my posts on my addiction, i will be adding to this section frequently.
I was probably 12 when i realized something wasn't quite right. I was irrational, i lashed out on everyone for the slightest things, and i was severely depressed. At a such a young age it was difficult for me to really understand what depression was and why i was feeling this way. It wasn't until i was 13 that i was diagnosed. I didn't like the fact that someone had confirmed that i was pretty much fucking insane but, i needed it. I started taking a couple different medications, but like my mom always says "medication cannot fix EVERYTHING". Especially if you aren't taking it like you are supposed to. Which, i wasn't. I have attempted suicide a couple of times, and thank god, always failed. But i never understood why i attempted suicide. It wasn't like my life was just shit and i completely hated myself, i just, didn't want to live in that moment and decided i'd try to take the easy way out. I think what a lot of people who don't suffer from a mental illness don't understand, is that we ourselves don't even understand why we do the things we do. I get stuck sometimes, i get stuck in this mindset that everything sucks, no one loves me, i'm a piece of shit, it goes on and on. And i have a hard time reminding myself that "this too shall pass". I should know better, i should know that the way i feel when i get down will not last forever, its just an episode that will pass, and i think that's something that "normal" people are able to do. But not me. Being bipolar, i have my highs and i have my lows. I'm manic bipolar which basically means i have pretty bad episodes. I say, and i do things that i normally would not do or say. I act out for no reason and its been a struggle all my life because i think it goes without saying, that i lose people pretty often. I could be just watching TV, and all of a sudden i'll pick up my phone and tell my friends to fuck off and say that they don't care about me and a whole lot of nonsense. Then later i have to go back and fix it. It sucks, it really sucks. There are few people in my life today, and the reason is because some people just simply cannot deal with it. I'd like to say that im a very loving and generous person. I always wear my heart on my sleeve and i will help anyone in need, but, sometimes people just don't think it's worth sticking around. I tend to put myself into situations i shouldn't, just because i feel lonely or sad. I tend to isolate, actually, i'm isolating right now. I haven't left my house in 2 days and wont really pick up the phone for anyone right now. And mainly thats because i know myself. I know that if i talk to people i love in this state of mind i will not only hurt them but i will also hurt myself. And fuck man, i'm tired of hurting. Since i moved back to boise, i've been struggling with cravings pretty bad. And it's put me in a funk... But, luckily i know how to get out of it. I meditate every night, and i go to A.A or N.A at least 5 times a week. Being mentally ill makes it really hard to be in recovery, because using is all i know how to do right. Some days i wish i could still pick up a pipe and just ignore my problems and other days, the thought disgusts me. The thing about having mental illness and being a drug addict is that i get depressed frequently for no reason, and it makes it hard to stay sober. I like to think of myself as an extremely strong person because of these things because fuck, i'm sober today. And some days i might be depressed but i'm a generally happy person. And i think that's hard, i think its hard to juggle recovery and mental illness but if i'm being honest, i think i'm kicking fucking ass. I'm going to come back and post more on this subject later this week. For now, i hope you enjoy and can relate to the topics i've touched on. Follow for more. Bye babies!
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